Adventures in Pizza Delivery
by The Moose of Death
Summary: This story follows a pizza delivery guy named Joey. Strangely enough, he has the luck to deliver pizzas to the five sailor scouts the one week we look at his life. What'll it be like for him? Let's just say not pleasant...Please R&R!
1. Introduction

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

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Introduction

Hi everybody! This is my first fanfic. I decided to start with comedy because everyone likes a good laugh and it's easy for me to write. Please review! I fish for compliments! (Though maybe I should've used better bait)

Our story is about Joey — a typical high school guy who just got a job delivering pizzas. That's it. He's our main guy. But he does wind up meeting some very _interesting_ people. I guess this is what he gets for living in Tokyo (what with all the shenanigans and goings on). We'll be studying Joey's first week on the job and observe the most insan– uh_notable_ parts of it.

Enjoy!


	2. Monday: Sausage and Mushroom

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

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Chapter 1: Monday – Sausage and Mushroom

Setting—Donnie's Pizza Parlor (We Deliver!)

Joey: (putting on his uniform) First day on the job. Man this is exciting! They just pay me to drive around pizza, and I even get tips!

The phone rings and Joey runs to pick it up.

Joey: Donnie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it! (thinking: Man what a crappy motto!)

Person on the phone: (sniff) I'll have a large deep dish pizza (sniff) with sausage and mushrooms on it (sniff)

Joey: Sure thing! It'll cost $12.99. Who, may I ask, am I delivering this to?

Person: The name is Serena (sniff) and deliver it to

Joey writes down the name and address, loads up a fresh pizza, and speeds off.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Joey: (knocking on the door) Hello? Pizza delivery guy! Got your sausage and mushroom pizza right here!

Joey keeps knocking until a short girl with blonde hair made into meatballs (what?) attached to long strands of hair that touch the floor. He notices that she's wearing a bathrobe and has a box of tissues in her hand.

Joey: Hey there! You must be Serena. I got your pizza here andis there something wrong?

Serena immediate bursts into tears and howls of agony that make Joey want to cover his ears, but can't because he's holding the pizza.

Joey: Oh Jeez! Please don't cry! What's the matter!

Serena: DARIEN YOU BIG STUPID JERK! WAAHHHH!

Joey puts the pizza down and puts his hands on Serena's shoulders.

Joey: (shaking her a bit) For the sake of my eardrums, please STOP!

Serena stops and give him sheepish look.

Joey: Thank you. Now I know I'm supposed to just deliver you your pizza, but as a nice guy, I feel that I should help you out here. So maybe we should sit down and talk about what's bothering you. (What a gentleman!)

Serena nods and lets Joey in with the pizza.

Serena: Well (sniff) I saw my boyfriend, Darien, with this other woman

Joey: I seeare you sure that wasn't just one of his friends?

Serena: NoI had never seen her before, but he was going everywhere with her! He was giving her hugs and kisses on the cheek! I even followed them back to his house, where she cooked for him and even did his laundry!

Joey: Aye. Pretty serious.

Serena: Ever since then, I've been eating cake and ice cream and watching soap operas non-stop.

Joey: How long has that been?

Serena: An hour.

Joey: (sigh) Umdon't beat yourself up

Serena: (edging closer to Joey) I'm just feeling so lonely now and_vulnerable_. (even closer)

Joey: Umheh hehmaybe I should go now. I-I'll just take the $12.99 and—

Serena wraps her arms around Joey's waist stopping him in his tracks.

Joey: I-I've probably got some m-more deliveries to make!

Serena: Hey, you were the one who said you were nice guy. Let's see how _nice_ you are!

Joey flops down and relentlessly claws at the floor, but to no avail. Serena flips him over and pins down his arms and legs with her own. While all this is going on, there is a knock at the door. It opens and in walks a tall, black haired man.

Darien: Hey Serena! Just dropped in to visit. The door was open so I—WHAT THE HELL!

Serena: (jumps up) Oh. Hello _Darien. _How was your DATE?

Darien: Date? What DATE! AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT!

Joey: (still on the floor) H-Hey! Don't mind me, I-I'm just the pizza guy.

Darien: I go and show my mom around the town and you're SEDUCING THE PIZZA GUY!

Serena: IT SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR RUNNING AROUND WITHyour mother?

Darien: YES! MY MOTHER! I told you she'd be visiting and that I'd be spending the afternoon with her!

Serena: HeeyyyI thought you were an orphan.

Darien: She's my _foster_ mother.

Joey: Wait. So I'm going through all this because your boyfriend was with his mother!

Serena: Now that I recall, you _did_ mention it to me earlier, sweetie. Guess I just forgot!

Darien: I still can't believe you tried to get with that stranger!

Serena: U-Uhno! Hejumped me! Yeah! He jumped me. Thank God you came in time to rescue me my dear!

Joey: ( O.O; ) WHAT!

Darien: Butweren't _you_ on top of _him_?

Serena: YeahYeah. Wellhe, um, drugged me up _real_ good!

Darien looks at Joey. Then at Serena. Then at Joey again. Then back at Serena. Then at Joey for a long time.

Darien: YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU!

Joey: OH CRAP!

As Darien begins to run after Joey, Joey grabs the nearby pizza at throws it at Darien's face. While Darien writhes in agony on the floor as the scalding cheese leaves its mark, Joey takes his wallet.

Joey: This oughtta cover the pizza, and I think I'll help myself with the tip!

When Darien finally gathers the strength to get back to the chase, he can only see the dust kicked up by Joey's speeding car.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: Well this was one weird day. I sure hope this job gets easier!

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END CHAPTER 1!

Sit tight for the next chapterTuesday – Meat Lover's!


	3. Tuesday: Meat Lover's

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

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Chapter 2: Tuesday — Meat Lover's

Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)

Frank (the manager): Hey Joey! Get yer ass in here!

Joey: [running in] Yes, sir!

Frank: You did a fine job for your first day! Got some big tips!

Joey: Yeahgranted that I did take a guy's wallet.

Frank: What was that?

Joey: Nothing.

The phone rings and Joey answers it.

Joey: Donnie's Pizza!

Frank: say it

Joey: sigh You say it, we bake it.

Frank: Good.

Person on the phone: I need two extra-large meat lover's pizzas and FAST!

Joey: Pretty big order. That'll come to $38.98. Who and where am I delivering this to?

Person: Deliver it to the Cherry Hill Temple in care of Raye.

Joey: Thank you. I'm on my way! [hangs up the phone] To the pizza-mobile!

Frank: You mean your Pinto?

Joey: yeah [hangs head in shame]

Joey loads up the pizzas, starts up his car, and makes for the Temple.

-

Joey: [walking to the door] This is a nice place. Even though the last time I was here, I bought a charm that zapped away my energy and sent me in a bus to another dimensionand now let me never speak of that again.

Just before Joey knocks on the door, a dark haired girl in a full priestess outfit swings it wide open. She takes a look at Joey and the pizzas, and pulls him inside.

Joey: Hi, I take it that you're Raye. I've got your pizzas right here. It'll be–

Raye: Come with me to the basement. NOW!

Joey: Wait, what? Look, I just wanna deliver the pizzas and get goi–

But before Joey can finish his sentence, Raye grabs his wrist and rushes with him downstairs. When they get to the basement, Joey notices that it's a huge room and almost pitch black, except for a small bonfire in the center.

Joey: Hey! What's going on here?!

Raye: What time is it?

Joey: The what?

Raye: THE FRIGGIN TIME, MORON!

Joey: [nervously looking at his watch] I-It's 6:03.

Raye: Good. There's still time.

Joey: Time for what?

Raye: Look. I'll give you an extra $20 if you help me out a little bit right now.

Joey: Hmmmmmake it $30 and you got it!

Raye: Deal. Now, put the pizzas in front of the fire and stand behind me, waving around this branch.

Raye gives him a fairly large tangled branch with dozens of strips of paper on it. They have weird scribblings on it that he can't understand. Joey just shrugs and does what Raye said, putting the pizzas in front of the fire and waving the branch around behind her. He does this while Raye kneels, puts her hands together, and mumbles a bunch of things that Joey can barely hear. After about a minute, Raye stands up.

Raye: NowI CALL UPON YOU, DEMON!

Joey: Waitdid she say _demon_?

Raye: ACCEPT MY SACRIFICE! [throws the pizzas into the fire]

Joey: Hey! Those were some good pizzas!...and you haven't even paid for them yet...

Suddenly, the ground shakes and a 10-foot-tall figure wearing a black cloak rises from the flames.

Demon: **I am Chronulak, devourer of souls! Who dares to disturb my thousand year slumber?!**

Joey: [ 0.0; ] (thinking: I WANTED AN EXTRA 30 BUCKS FOR _THIS?!_)

Raye: I am Shinto Priestess Raye! I have called upon you so that we may battle!

Joey: You're gonna do WHAT?!

Raye: Don't worry. I have all the spell scrolls and charms I need to take this guy down!

Joey: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT IN THE _FIRST PLACE_?!

Raye: It's all part of my final test. Don't worry!

Chronulak: **I grow weary of this! Prepare to be consumed by the everlasting flames of hell, mortals!**

Raye: [throwing her scrolls] _Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen. Akuryou taisan!!!_

Chronulak stops in his tracks and looks around at himself, seeing the scrolls of paper sticking to him. He looks at Raye and Joey and then bushes them off.

Joey: Now what?

Raye: RUN!!!!!!

Raye and Joey run up the stairs while Chronulak shoots fireballs from his eyes at them. They run outside and into the temple building.

Raye: Okay. We'll be safe here. It's all sanctified and stuff.

Chronulak: [from outside] **Come out puny mortals! I know you are in there!**

Joey: What the hell was THAT ALL ABOUT?!

Raye: I needed to summon a demon and destroy it as part of my final test to become a head priestess.

Joey: I meanYOU SAID YOU HAD IT IN THE FRIGGIN BAG!

Raye: WellI had all equipment to take down a demon of the level I was summoninghe must be of a diffrrent, more powerful kind.

Joey: Aaaannd? Where did we SCREW UP?

Raye: Hmmmmmwhat's the day today?

Joey: Tuesday.

Raye: I mean the date! The date!

Joey: It's the seventh.

Chronulak: [from outside] **Just let me devour your souls now so I can get back to my thousand year slumber.**

Raye: Okaayyy. Strike one. I was supposed to summon on the _sixth_. But at least I got the time right: 6:06 and 6 seconds!

Joey: Actually

Raye: That's a bad actually,' isn't it?

Joey: My watch is slow by 10 minutes.

Raye: All right. Strike two. And I suppose that meaty sacrifice I gave didn't make things any better. Did it have enough beef to count as a whole cow?

Joey: OF COURSE NOT!

Raye: Well, I guess this is what I get for trying to go a little cheap. Strike three. Hmmand me forgetting a couple of lines to the prayer can't be good either. Strike four–

Joey: Strike four?! We're even screwing up the rules of baseball!

Raye: I'm glad you used _we_, because we're gonna have to work together on this one.

Joey: I know this won't be good

Chronulak: [from outside] **Aw c'mon! I was having this great dream that I was a bunny!**

Raye: Okay, you run out there in your underwear to distract Chronulak while I sneak far enough away to be out of sight and out of mind.

Joey: Wait! Hold on! Time out! – 1) How will me being in my underwear make any difference? and 2) At what point am _I_ delivered to safety?

Chronulak: [from outside] **I was so furry and soft**

Raye: Well, this is a team effortand some team members have to take onefor the team. So, are you a team player?

Joey: 

Raye: ARE YOU?!

Joey: grrr 

Raye: FineI'll go get my grandpa. He's out doing an exorcism somewhere.

Joey: Good. BUT I'M STILL NOT GOING OUT THERE IN MY UNDERWEAR!

Raye: YOU'LL DO IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!or else I won't get grandpa.

Joey: sigh Fine. I still don't know _why_, but let's just get this over with.

While Chronulak reminisces about his bunny dream, Joey bursts out of the front door of the Temple in his boxers, and Raye sneaks out the back. As Raye rushes to wherever it is her grandpa is exorcising demons, Chronulak corners Joey.

Joey: (thinking: _I'm dead_!)

But before Chronulak incinerates Joey, he begins to laughand laughand roll on the floor laughing.

Chronulak: **Buahahaha! The insignificant mortal has been stripped down to his undergarments. His embarrassment brings amusement to Chronulak!**

Joey: sniff heythat hurts

While Chronulak laughs, Raye and her grandpa come crashing down on his head with a spell scroll that disintegrates him.

Joey: In the nick of time!

Raye: See? I knew you being in your underwear would come in handy!

Joey: Shut up.

Raye's grandpa: Sorry about all that sonny! Raye thinks she can do _anything_ on her own. She should have waited for me to be there until she summoned that demon.

Joey: Yeah yeah. I bet we all make that mistake the first time we try to summon a demon. Now about my money

Grandpa: Money? What's he talking about Raye?

Joey: I'm the pizza guy. She ordered pizza and I delivered it. Now she has to _pay_ for the pizza.

Grandpa: [getting red in the face] RAYE! WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT ORDERING PIZZA WHEN I'M AWAY?!

Raye: But grandpa I–

Grandpa: NO BUTS! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Raye reluctantly obeys.

Grandpa: I guess I'm stuck with the bill. How much will it cost?

Joey: plus tip.

Grandpa: [handing over the money] Kids today! They eat so much and hardly gain a pound!

Joey: [taking the money and running] Yeahyeahlifesucksfortheelderlygottago! (Yeah yeah life sucks for the elderly gotta go!)

Joey jumps in his car and puts the pedal to the metal.

-

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: Man. One weird day followed by a SEVERELY MESSED UP oneI hope I have better luck tomorrow.

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END CHAPTER 2!

Hold on for the next chapterWednesday — Cheese!


	4. Wednesday: Cheese

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

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Chapter 3: Wednesday — Cheese

Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)

Joey: [washing the counter] Hey Frank.

Frank: Yeah?

Joey: Were _you_ ever a delivery boy?

Frank: Of course.

Joey: Did you ever have any _weird_ deliveries.

Frank: Lots of 'em.

Joey: What was the weirdest one?

Frank: Hmmmmprobably when a guy answered the door in dress.

Joey: ..You _really_ don't pay me enough for this job.

The phone rings and Frank picks it up.

Frank: Donnie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!

Person on the phone: Hello. I will have a small cheese pizza, please.

Frank: Okay, a small cheese. Anything else?

Person: Yes. Can you have it delivered by 5-foot-6 to 6-foot tall male, weighing 140-180 pounds?

Frank: Hold on a second.

Frank pulls out a tape measure and quickly does a height check on Joey. Joey is 5-foot-10.

Frank: How much do you weigh, Joey?

Joey: Umabout 155, I guess.

Frank: [talking to the phone] Yeah, I can do that.

Person: Excellent.

Frank: So a small cheese pizza, plus special delivery, will cost $8.99.

Person: Good. This is Amy Anderson. You will be delivering it to

Frank: [writing stuff down] Uh-huhgot it.

Frank hangs up the phone and hands over the piece of paper to Joey. Joey gets the pizza, loads it into his car, and drives off.

-

As Joey turns off his engine, he looks upon a huge mansion. He looks at the address on the house and then checks the address in his hand, trying to make sure they match, which they do.

Joey: Jeez. With a place like this, you'd think this Amy person could hire her own chef instead of ordering a pizza.

Joey turns his engine on again and pulls up in front of an intercom at the front gate.

Joey: Hi there! Got a pizza here for an Amy Anderson.

Intercom: Please enter.

The huge gates open and Joey drives toward the house. He gets out of the car and brings the pizza out. As he walks up to the front door, a blue-haired girl, much shorter than he is, opens it.

Girl: Hello. I am Amy. Please enter.

Joey: [walking in] It'll be $8.99, please.

Amy: What will be $8.99?

Joey: The pizza.

Amy: Oh that's all right. I don't really care much for pizza. Too greasy.

Joey: Then why did you want one delivered? I mean, you could at least _pay_ for it.

Amy: Listen, I am going to be frank–

Joey: Please don't. It's bad enough I have to deal with him at the pizza place.

Amy: No no. I mean, I am going to be straightforward with you.

Joey: Oh, okay. Shoot.

Amy: I need you for an experiment.

Joey: A what?!

Amy: A scientific experiment for my school. I will pay you an extra $50 if you agree.

Joey: NO WAY! I'm not falling for _that one_ again!

Amy: Then perhaps I will have to give you a little something[unbuttons her shirt a bit]

Joey: I'll do it.

Amy: I knew you would.

Amy grabs Joey by the hand and takes him into a relatively small room with stone walls, no windows, and a single hanging light bulb lighting it up. There is a table with a set chessboard and two chairs.

Joey: So I guess we'll be playing chess, or whatever.

Amy: Yes, something like that.

Joey: Cool. I ain't that bad at it. Let's do this!

Amy: Please sit down and take off your shirt.

Joey: Why my shirt?

Amy: Be glad it won't be your pants.

Joey: Oh all right.

Joey takes off his shirt and sits down in front of the black pieces. Immediately after he sits down, Amy straps his legs, arms, and waist to the chair.

Joey: Hey! What're you doing?!

Amy: It will keep you from hurting yourself or getting away.

Joey: Oh THAT'S comforting!

Amy then places circular stickers with metal protruding from them on Joey's shoulders, back, and nipples.

Joey: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Amy: This is part of the experiment. I am testing to see if human beings increase performance if they are given enough_motivation_.

Joey: Okaayyy. And what does all that have to do with these stickers?

Amy: I am glad you asked.

Amy clamps on wires stretching from a large black box to each of the protruding metal pieces of the stickers and brings out a small remote.

Amy: You will play me at chess until you defeat me. If you lose a game, I will give you a little shock

Amy presses the button on the remote, causing Joey to shake with electricity and send a buzzing sound through the air.

Joey: WHOA! WhoaI REALLY don't feel comfortable with these things on my _nipples_.

Amy: Well, we could always put them[whispers in his ear]

Joey: N-Nipples are fine. Nipples work.

Amy: Excellent. [speaking into a tape recorder] Testing maximum voltage on subject.

Joey: WAIT! NOT MAXI–[bzzzzzzzzz]

Amy: [into a tape recorder] Subject can survive maximum voltage; proceeding with experiment. How are you feeling?

Joey: P-P-Pleasen-no more

Amy: I had better check in case that wasn't a fluke.

Joey: N–[bzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Amy: Hmmmsmoke this time. How do you feel now?

Joey: [quietly sobs]

Amy: I will take that as a "super."

They begin their first game, with Joey moving his pieces with a slightly movable, yet still restricted, hand. Amy beats him in four moves, so she gives him a shock.

Amy: This probably wouldn't be so difficult for you if I weren't considered a prodigy by the Russian Grand-Masters of chess

Joey: Gee, YA THINK?!! [bzzzzzzzz]

Amy: Oops. That one slipped. On to the next game.

They play again and Amy beats him in eight moves. She pushes the button.

Amy: That took twice as long as last time. You are definitely improving!

Joey: Could we just stop this? I mean, can't you just _say_ you did all this and that it was a success? I won't tell anyone and you can keep the money!

Amy: Of course not! I am not the number one student at my school for nothing! And I would feel bad about it if I did not pay you.

Joey: That's funny. Most people would feel bad about the whole shocking thi–[bzzzzzz]

Amy: Sorry. Slipped again.

Joey: I'm sure

Amy: What was that?

Joey: Nothing.

They begin another game, which Joey loses, and Amy shocks him. This pattern repeats for another hour.

Amy: This is not working as well as I had hoped. Your best performance was taking way five pieces, which were all pawns!

Joey: ooooooooooooh

Amy: Umyou're drooling a little bit.

Joey: 

Amy: I'll give this another hour and stop if we're still at this point.

Joey: heeaad towaaard the liiigghhttt

An hour later

Amy: This was an utter failure. [pushes the button]

Joey: [bzzzz] moan Arewe done?

Amy: I suppose so

Joey: Oh thank GOD!

Amy begins to unstrap Joey from the chair and remove the stickers.

Joey: Faster! FASTER!

Amy: sniff But now I don't have a science project for my class

Joey tries to make a break for the door, but can barely walk.

Amy: [helping him up] Don't go yet. I still need to pay you!

Joey: Heh, I can't believe I forget!actually I _could_. Gimme gimme!

Amy: [handing over the money] Here's the $8.99 for the pizza$50 for the help

Joey: Okay. [grinning] Now for the _extra _reward!

Amy: And as for the _bonus_ [unbuttoning her shirt some more]

Joey: [grinning and wide-eyed]

Amy: [pulling out a book from within her shirt] A copy of one of my favorite books: _The Catcher in the Rye_!

Joey: [ o.o; ]thanks. (thinking: HA! Good one, God! Very funny)

Amy: Your welcome! And thanks for everything!

Joey sulks to his car, staring at the ground and dragging his feet along the way. Amy waves good-bye as he drives off.

-

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: GOD! What a job this turned out to be!

Frank: Dammit Joey! You're gone for a good two hours without a single excuse behind it!

Joey: But sir I–

Frank: [pointing his finger up to Joey's face] I don't wanna hear it! How do you expect us to make money if you're always out there lolly-gaggin?!

Joey touches Frank's finger with his own, sending a shock of electricity that knocks Frank to the ground.

Joey: Coolmaybe this didn't turn out so bad after all.

* * *

END CHAPTER 3!

Wait for the next chapterThursday — The Works!


	5. Thursday: The Works

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

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Chapter 4: Thursday — The Works

Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)

Joey: [holding a light bulb] Light, dammit! sigh I guess that electricity thing wore off. That's too bad. I mean, I just finished writing up my revenge list last night!

Frank: [walking in] Joey, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

Joey: I'm shocked.

Frank: The bad news isI lost you in a poker game and now you'll be a slave laborer for Mikey's Pizza down the block.

Joey: [ O.O ] YOU WHAT?!

Frank: Now now. Don't be too upset. I did say there was good news.

Joey: HOW COULD ANYTHING _POSSIBLY_ MAKE THIS SITUATION BETTER?!

Frank: The good news isI just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Joey: 

Joey: I'm gonna kill you now.

Frank: Fair enough.

As Joey looks around for a knife, the phone rings and Frank picks it up.

Frank: Donie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!

Person on the phone: I'll have a large pizza.

Frank: Anything on it?

Joey: [still looking around] I know a saw a good stabbin' knife around here somewhere

Person: I want the works. From pepperoni to anchovies, green pepper to pineapple. Every topping you have, put it on!

Frank: All right. One large pizza with the works–

Person: And a two-liter Coke.

Frank: And a two-liter Coke will be $16.49.

Person: Gotcha. This is Lita. Deliver it to

Frank writes down the address while Joey finds the perfect knife.

Joey: All right! Let the bloody murder begin!

Frank: [taking away the knife] No time. I got a delivery for ya.

Joey: Why should I? I thought I was gambled into slave labor!

Frank: You were, but that doesn't start until tomorrow. Until then, you're still delivering pizzas for _me_.

Holding in his rage, Joey takes the address in Frank's hand, gets a pizza, and drives off.

-

Joey stops the car, takes out the pizza, and finds that the address was an apartment complex.

Joey: [reading the address] I can barely make out what it says. Is it 2-B or not 2-B? Hmmmthat is the question

When Joey finally deciphers the writing (it was _3_-B!), he walks up the stairs and rings 3-B's bell.

Joey: Hello! Pizza man! Got your pizza and coke!

The door opens slightly, revealing a pair of green eyes.

Joey: Are you Lita?

Lita: Yeah. Are you the Pizza guy?

Joey: I would think the pizza in my hand would be a dead giveaway.

Lita: [opening the door all the way] Come on in. I've got the money inside.

Joey walks in with Lita behind him. Suddenly, Lita gives him a chop to the back of the head, knocking him out instantly.

Joey: [waking up] ugh My headwhat happened?

Joey looks around and realizes he's in a dining room facing Lita. He tries to get up, but finds that he's been tied to a chair.

Joey: Why am I not surprised?

He notices Lita is dissecting the pizza with science equipment and drinking some of the soda. She picks up individual toppings, licks them, and spits a bit.

Joey: All right Miss PSYCHOWhat in the _hell_ is going on here?

Lita: [without looking up from her work] I am merely determining each individual flavor and chemical component of a pizza.

Joey: Oh is that all? Do tell me WHY THE HELL YOU TIED ME UP!

Lita: Because I may need you.

Joey: Lemme guess, you're gonna dissect me too?

Lita: Don't be silly. I just may need to interrogate you.

Joey: ABOUT WHAT?!

Lita doesn't answer. She just leaves the room into what seems to be the kitchen. About five minutes later, she comes back with what appears to be a pizza.

Joey: Okaaayyyso you order a pizza to show the pizza guy a pizza.

Lita places the plain cheese pizza in front of Joey. Before Joey moves his head in for a closer look, it begins to jump around and shriek in agony.

Joey: JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT?!

Lita: _That's_ my homemade pizza.

Joey: FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS SANE IN THE WORLD! _KILL IT!!_

Lita immediately takes a knife, dices it up, and throws it away.

Joey: Thank you. NowWHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Lita: Look. I'm a darn good chef. Everyone I know agrees.

Joey: Mm-hmmand at what point are you going to tell me that's a lie?

Lita: sigh I really _am_ a good cook. It's justit's just that

Joey: Just what?

Lita: I can't cook pizza.

Joey: So? Not many people can. That's why you call up people like me.

Lita: You don't understand. I am supposed to be _the chef_ that can cook anything. How can I follow my dream and open my own restaurant when I can't even cook a stupid pizza?

Joey: Easy – hire someone who can.

Lita: [slaps Joey] This is _important_ for me, okay?

Joey: So why tie me up?

Lita: To keep you from getting away.

Joey: (thinking: where have I heard _that one_ before?) Other than the obvious reason.

Lita: Well, if I fail at making a pizza based on my research of the one you delivered, then I could ask _you_ how I can my a successful pizza.

Joey: Oh _c'mon_! I just deliver the damn things! How should I know how to make one?

Lita: I know you're lying, and I must warn you that I can be _very_ persuasive

Lita quickly leaves the room and comes back with a car battery charger and jumper cables.

Lita: Tell me what I want to know, or you'll find out just howI can be [taps the ends of the cables together, emitting a spark]

Joey: Just to let you know, that's not gonna work on me.

Lita touches Joey with the cables, filling the room with a bright light, but having no effect on him. She tries several more times, each without Joey flinching.

Joey: See? I've built up a tolerance to it.

Lita: Damn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this

Lita leaves the room and wheels in a TV and VCR. She puts in an unmarked tape and dims the lights.

Lita: This'll break you.

Joey: Oh, I'm _soooooo_ scared!

Lita: You will beyou will be[turns away and puts fingers in ears]

TV: Presenting! The Teletubbies Christmas Special: "It's a Tubbiful Life"!

All that can be heard are the screams of the most pure form of human suffering and agony.

Joey: SOMEBODY GOUGE MY EYES OUT!

Lita: Then you'll talk?

Joey: IT'S LIKE NAILS OF SATAN HIMSELF CLAWING ON A CHALKBOARD!

Lita: I'll let you think this over a little longer.

Ten minutes later

Lita: Hmmmthis is strange. Any normal person would have cracked by now. I guess he really _doesn't_ know anything.

Lita stops the tape and unties Joey. Joey has stopped screaming, but is now frozen in a look of terror.

Lita: All right. You can leave now.

Joey: [ 0.0 ] 

Lita: I said, you can go now.

Joey: [ 0.0 ] 

Lita lifts her shirt up and down quickly.

Joey: Okay I'm up.

Lita: sigh I just really wish I would've figured out the pizza thing.

Joey: Yeah yeah I'm sure you will. Now about my money, lest we forget.

Lita: Oh yeah sorry about that. How much is it?

Joey: $16.49.

Lita: [hands him a $20 bill] Keep the change.

Joey: I would have even if you didn't even offer it. Now which way is the exit?

Lita: Over there. [points to door leading outside]

Joey: Thanks. I'll just run out now, screaming of course, and leap over the safety rail to the ground and freedom.

Lita: But we're three stories up!

Joey: [already at the leaping part] I KNOOooooowwwww [hits the ground]

Joey gets up, possibly with something broken, and walks to his car. He gets in and drives away.

-

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: Well I guess it's my last day! Goodbye Donnie's, and hello slavery!

Frank: Joey, I've got some good news!

Joey: You kept my stabbin' knife for me?

Frank: No no. Even better. You're still gonna be workin' for me!

Joey: How is that good?

Frank: I found out that a pair of Jacks _does_ beat a Queen-high! So a quick conversation and a sledgehammer to the legs of the manager of Mikey's helped get you back!

Joey: But do you still have my stabbin' knife?

Frank: Yeah it's right here. [hands him the knife]

Joey: Goooooood

* * *

END CHAPTER 4!

Stay tuned for the next chapterFriday — Barbecued Chicken!


	6. Friday: Barbecued Chicken

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

* * *

****

Chapter 5: Friday — Barbecued Chicken

Setting–Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)

Joey: [mopping the floor] Stupid Frank. Can't believe he actually survived fourteen stab wounds to the back. And now I gotta mop the floors!

Frank: Meh. I've gotten used to it.

Joey: sigh Why do I even bother to go on with this job?

Joey's Father (flashback): You get a job or SO HELP ME GOD you're going BACK IN THE CAGE!

Joey: Oh yeahnow I remember

The phone rings and Joey answers it.

Joey: Donnie's Pizza! You shake it, we bake it!

Frank smacks Joey's head.

Joey: I mean, you say it, we bake it!

Person on the phone: Hi! I'll have a medium pizza with barbecued chicken on it.

Joey: [to Frank] Do we even have barbecued chicken as a topping.

Frank: We will soon enough

Frank pulls out a butcher knife and a live chicken from underneath the counter.

Joey: Why were those there?

Frank: Y'knowjust in case.

Joey: Riiiiigghhttt.

Frank walks into the kitchen with the items.

Joey: [to the phone] All right. So I've got you down for a medium pizza withbarbecued chicken.

Joey hears a several clucks and then a hard chopping sound.

Person: Yup.

Joey: [shudders] Okay. That'll be $9.99. May I have your name and address, please?

Person: This is Mina. The address is

Joey writes down the address and calls for Frank, but has to yell over the loud frying sounds in the kitchen. Joey walks in to check on Frank, only to find the kitchen a bloody mess.

Joey: Aw jeezare you sure you're doing this right, Frank? I mean, I'm pretty sure barbecued chicken isn't supposed to be fried

Frank: Look, I'm just tryin' to go as fast as I can.

Joey: Well I'm not cleaning all of this up!

Frank: You damn well better!!

After the pizza is finally done cooking and the kitchen cleaned, Joey loads up and heads out.

-

Joey arrives at his destination, takes out the pizza, and walks up to the door.

Joey: [knocking on the door] Hellooo! Pizza guy! (thinking: please be normal please be normal please be normal)

The door is opened by a girl with sapphire blue eyes and long, blonde hair.

Girl: Hi I'm Mina! I see you have my pizza.

Joey: [ O.O ] (thinking: she's absolutely _gorgeous_!) I-I

Mina: I can see that.

Joey: [ O.O ] G-Got

Mina: Okaayyy. Do you want your money now?

Joey: Actually, ummaybe I could pay for it myself andmaybe I couldjoin you

Mina: Sure! Free food is a-okay with me!

Joey: All right! (thinking: after all my pain and suffering, I'm finally being rewarded!)

Mina: Y'know, you're kinda cute. What's your name?

Joey: J-Joey.

Mina: Well come on in Joey!

Mina walks Joey in and they sit at a table to eat the pizza.

Mina: So what took you so long with the pizza?

Joey: [trying with all of his might to take a bite] Ummlet's just say we were putting on the _freshest_ ingredients we could find.

Mina: Wow! That's pretty good service!

Joey: Yeahgood service

Just then, a white cat jumps onto Joey's lap.

Joey: Whoa! Hey there, fella!

Mina: Oh that's just Artemis. It looks like he really likes you!

Joey: Sure does. [scratches Artemis's head]

Mina: Would you like something to drink?

Joey: Sure. I'll have whatever you're having.

Mina: Okay.

Mina leaves for the kitchen.

Joey: Well, Artemis, you sure are a lucky cat to be livin' with a girl like Mina!

Artemis: Run boy! Run while you can!

Joey: [jumping up] WHAT THE HELL?!

Mina: [from the kitchen] Is something wrong?

Joey: No! Everything'sjust fine

Joey takes a look at Artemis and then at the pizza.

Joey: Dammit! I _knew_ Frank didn't cook this right!

Mina walks in with two glasses of lemonade in her hands.

Mina: What was all that yelling about?

Joey: Oh it's nothing! Just thought the cat was talking to me! Heh heh.

Mina: Yeah, umsometimes Artemis's meows sound likewords and stuff.

Joey: Well he's pretty good at it.

Mina gives Artemis a cold stare, scaring the cat into leaving.

Joey: [sipping his drink] So tell me what kind of things you like to do?

Mina: Oh you'll find out soon enough

Joey: "Soon enough"? What does that m–ooooohh crap.

Mina: Tell me, Joey. Are you feeling a bit_dizzy_?

Joey: [holding his head] a littleHow'd you know?

Mina: Well I'd say the drugs I put in your drink would be a tip-off.

Joey: Of courseand thus continues my week from hell. [passes out]

When Joey wakes up, he finds himself in a dark bedroom. He tries to move, but realizes that he's (surprise surprise!) tied to the bed, with each limb stretched out to a corner. Suddenly, Artemis jumps up on his chest.

Artemis: I told you to run, but _nooooo_. The second someone hears a talking cat, they just think they're crazy and move on!

Joey: So you _can_ talk! That's both a relief _and_ an unsettling thought. TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!

Artemis: Well if _that's_ gonna be your tone of voice, then I'm just gonna leave.

Joey: WAIT! COME BACK HERE YOU STUPID, POSSIBLY DRUG INDUCED CAT!

Artemis walks out the door. About a minute later Mina enters and shuts the door behind her.

Joey: This isn't gonna be good.

Mina: So how are we feeling?

Joey: Like sunshine and rainbows. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

Mina: sniff There's no need to yell at me

Joey: Oh I think there is.

Mina lies down next him and puts her head on his arm.

Joey: Even though this whole imprisonment thing is becoming pretty routine for me, why are you doing this?

Mina: Well when I said you were cute, I meant it.

Joey: [blushing] A-And I think you're cute too! So why don't we just loosen these knots

Mina: Because then you'll just run away!

Joey: Why would I do that, other than the sense of fear surging through me?

Mina: Well, when I get to liking a guy, they always think I'm really possessive.

Joey: Ya don't say

Mina: They wind up leaving and I never see them again!

Joey: Well, then _they_ were the smart ones.

Mina: But now I've found a way that keeps them with me!

Joey: Hmmmdoes it have anything to do with strapping them to your bed?

Mina: Wow! You're clever too!

Joey: Oh it was just a lucky guess.

Mina: I'm gonna enjoy having you locked up in my room. We're gonna have so much fun!

Joey: How long do you plan on keeping me in here?

Mina: Until we're old enough to get married, silly!

Joey: [struggling wildly] SOMEBODY HEEEELLPPPP!!!!!!!!

Mina: I wouldn't bother. No one's gonna hear it.

Just then, they both hear a car pull up to the house.

Mina: Oh _great_! This might mess EVERYTHING up

Joey: Please Lord, let that be a random kidnapped person check or SOMETHING!

Footsteps can be heard outside Mina's bedroom door. Someone knocks and Mina jumps up, seeming frightened.

Mina's Mom: [from outside] Mina we're home!

Mina: Oh crap! It's my parents!

Joey: Your WHAT?!

Mina's Dad: [from outside] Mina? Are you in there?

Mina: Uhyeah dad! Just give me a second. I'm doinggirl stuff!

Mina's Mom: [from outside] Are you okay? Maybe I should come in there.

Mina: No no! I'm okay in here!

Joey: HELP ME!

Mina: [covering Joey's mouth] Quiet!

Mina's Dad: [from outside] Is that a boy I hear in there?

Mina: NO! It'sthe TV!

Mina's Mom: [from outside] But you don't have a TV in there.

Mina: I moved it!

Mina's Dad: [from outside] Well I'm gonna want it back in the living room, young lady!

Mina's dad begins to open the door, but Mina rushes over to it to keep him blocked out.

Mina: That won't be necessary dad!

Joey: HELL YEAH IT'LL BE NECESSARY 'CAUSE I'M NOT A TV!! I'M A GUY TIED TO YOUR DAUGHTER'S BED!!!!

Mina's mom and dad burst in after hearing that last yell.

Joey: OH THANK YOU!

Mina's Dad: MINA! Who is _this_?!

Mina: This is my boyfriend!

Joey: More like VICTIM!

Mina's Mom: Minaaawhat have we told you about forcing boys into loving you?

Mina: But this guy really _does_ like me!

Joey: Yeah...until I found out you were CRAZY!

Mina's Dad: I just don't think you're old enough for this kind of forcing relationship.

Mina: But this is how _you_ and _mom_ met!

Mina's Mom: Well that was during our college years. You're still in high school!

Mina: [begins to cry] You just don't understand! Now I'll never find true love!

Mina runs out with tears streaming down and loud cries of sadness.

Mina's Mom: Do you think we were too hard on her?

Mina's Dad: Nonsense. She has to learn this kind of stuff one way or another.

Joey: ahem If it's not too much trouble, could you please UN-FRIGGIN-TIE ME?!

Mina's Dad: Sure thing!

Mina's parents untie Joey from the bed.

Mina's Dad: I'm sorry about all this. But be glad we found you so soon! Mina's done this lots of times before.

Joey: What happened to those other guys?

Mina's Mom: Oh those poooor, poor bastards

Joey: Forget I asked.

Joey begins to run out, but just before he leaves, Mina stops him.

Mina: Do you still want the money for the pizza?

Joey: Hey, didn't I say I was paying for it?

Mina: You'll come back to visit, right?

Joey gives her a kiss on the cheek.

Joey: You're a beautiful girl, and I'm flattered, but at the same time_terrified_.

And with that, Joey runs to his car, starts it up, and pretends there aren't any speed limits.

Mina: [holding her cheek] He'll be back

-

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: sigh So I find the girl of my dreams and it turns into the movie Misery.

Frank: Having trouble with your love life, eh?

Joey: Frank, the last thing I wanna hear right now is something coming out of your mouth.

Frank: Well I've got a daughter about your age visiting me here right now if you're interested

Joey: Actually I'm n–

Frank: COME ON IN SUGAR!

In walks Frank's daughter, who looks like Frank if you put a wig on him.

Joey: Never in my life have I wanted the sweet embrace of death more than at this moment.

* * *

END CHAPTER 5!

Get ready for the next and final chapterSaturday — Half and Half!


	7. Saturday: Half & Half

Adventures in Pizza Delivery

by The Moose of Death

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters. This is just for kicks, y'know?

* * *

****

Chapter 6: Saturday – Half and Half

Setting—Donnie's Pizza (We Deliver!)

Joey: It's been quiet.

Frank: Yup.

Joey: _Too _quiet.

Frank: Slow day for business.

Joey: No crazy deliveries. No life or sanity threatening situations. It's all beennormal.

Frank: Be careful with what you say.

Joey: It's five minutes to closing time. I'm almost home free. So I can say what want!

The phone rings and Joey screams.

Joey: Don't answer it, I'm begging you!

Frank: Hey, business is business!

Frank picks up the phone.

Frank: Donnie's Pizza! You say it, we bake it!

Person on the phone: Hi there! I'd like two large half and half pizzas. One half should be veggie lover's, another half should be supreme, another half sausage and pepperoni, and I guess the last half should be cheese.

Joey: Say we ran out of ingredients! Or that we don't have anyone to deliver it! ANYTHING!

Frank: All right. Two half and halves, one side veggie, one side cheese, another side a sausage and pep, and the last a supreme. That'll be $27.90.

Joey: You suck.

Person: Okay. Deliver it to

Frank writes down the address and gives it to Joey. When Joey reads it, his jaw drops.

Joey: I'M DELIVERING IT WHERE??!!!

Frank: I wrote what I wrote.

Joey: IT SAYS THE CHERRY HILL TEMPLE!!!

Frank: Yup.

Joey: Why?

Frank: 'Cause that's where the person lives.

Joey: I wasn't asking you, I was asking God.

Frank: Maybe he needs a good laugh.

Joey: I was so close to a sane day

Frank: Quit yer stalling and get to delivering!

Joey loads up the pizzas and drives off to the familiar address weeping.

-

When Joey arrives at the temple, he has finally pulled himself together and is now just concentrating on getting the pizzas delivered so he can go home in one piece. He walks up to the door and knocks.

Joey: Pizza guy! Got your half and halves! Please don't send any demons after me!

Raye's grandpa answers the door.

Raye's Grandpa: Hey, I remember you! Come back to marry my grand-daughter, eh?

Joey: What? No! I've got some piz—

Grandpa: WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Joey: That's not what I said! I said I have the pizza—

Grandpa: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I _REALLY _GET ANGRY!

Raye runs up to her grandpa to settle him down. To Joey's relief, she's not in her priestess outfit, but in some casual clothing.

Raye: Grandpa! I thought I told you to stop answering the door like that!

Grandpa: Well I'm sorry if I'm trying to get you a husband before you get old, saggy, and unwanted! I'm starting to think you're not even into men!

Raye: WHAT?!

Grandpa: [walking back into the house] You do always seem to only have other girls overand you've never had a boyfriend. Very strange at your age

Raye: [holding in her rage] Grandpaaaa

Joey: (ahem) Pizzas

Raye: Sorry about that, Joey. My grandpa can act pretty senile sometimes.

Joey: It's all right. I just wanna deliver th—wait. How do you know my name?

Raye: I've got some friends in here who know you. That's why we ordered some pizza!

Joey: These friends of yoursare they human?

Raye: Don't be silly. Of course they are! Now come on in because you're our guest of honor!

Joey: Well, as long as they aren't demons

Raye: Great! Follow me and bring the pizzas, too.

Joey follows Raye to her bedroom door.

Joey: Y'know, Raye...you look kinda cute when you're in regular clothes instead of your priestess robes.

Raye: [blushing] T-Thank you!

Voice from inside Raye's room: I HEARD THAT JOEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE CHEATING ON ME!

Joey: [ O.O; ] I know that voice!

Before Joey can run, Raye opens the door, pushes him in with herself, and shuts the door behind her.

Joey: Itbe!

Raye: But it is

Sitting down around a table is Lita, Serena with a cat in her lap, Amy reading a book, and Mina with Artemis next to her. Mina immediately wraps herself around Joey's arm

Everyone but Mina: Hi Joey!

Mina: HOW COULD YOU GO AROUND COMPLEMENTING OTHERS GIRLS LIKE THAT?!

Joey: Because you're not my girlfriend!

Mina: AND YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN, RAYE!

Raye: Fine by me.

Joey: [trying to shake off Mina] So why did you want me here?

Serena: Yesterday, after Mina met you, she called each of us up because she wanted to tell all of us about you.

Lita: With what she described, we figured out that you were the same guy who delivered pizza to all of us!

Amy: And we just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done!

Joey: I did something good?

Mina: Of course, my sweet little love muffin!

Joey: I'm your what?

Raye: What she's saying is that you've helped each of us out in one way or another.

Amy: Indeed. Even though the original purpose to my experiment was a failure, I checked my data and found out that I had used enough electricity on you to light up my house for a whole twenty-four hours!

Joey: I'm not surprised at those results.

Amy: Then, all I had to write about was that the physical limits of human suffering reached much further than anyone expected. I got first place at my science fair!

Joey: Uhglad I could help.

Amy: And did you enjoy the book I gave you?

Joey: Well the struggle of a rebellious youth criticizing the world around him, only to learn that it would not be society that changes but he himself, was very interesting. I breezed right through it.

Amy: Very astute observations.

Joey: Quite.

Mina: [squeezing Joey's arm tighter] Let's not get _too _friendly with the other ladies

Amy: Come now, Mina. All I did was give him a book!

Mina: And the next one you give him will probably be one of those dirty romance novels you're always reading.

Amy: [blushing] I-I do NOT read that _disgusting _garbage!

Amy quickly hides the book she's reading behind her back.

Raye: Well _I_ want to thank you for helping me reach the status of head priestess.

Joey: But I thought you screwed that up! You know, when I had to run out in my underwear?

Mina: YOU LET HER SEE YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?!

Joey: It's not like I had a choice!

Raye: All those mistakes just taught me that I had to be more preparedand not use pizza as a sacrifice.

Joey: I think we've all learned that much, at least.

Joey turns to Lita, though Mina's weight on his arm makes it a chore.

Joey: And what about you, Lita? Did you finally make that pizza?

Lita: You betcha!

Joey: How'd you figure it out?

Lita: I took your advice and hired a _real _pizza chef to tell me.

Joey: Hiredor tortured?

Lita: Fine! I tortured him! Happy?!

Joey: Jumper cables?

Lita: Nope. Went straight to the Teletubbies.

Joey: That'll do it.

Mina pulls Joey closer to her.

Mina: And you know why _I'm _here to thank you

Joey: To lure me back into the web like the black widow spider you are.

Mina: No, silly! Because I love you! [aside] Damn! He's on to me!

Joey: What was that?

Mina: Nothing.

Serena: (ahem) Well _I'm _here to thank you for trying to comfort me when I thought Darien was cheating on me.

Joey: It was nothing.

Serena: I also want to apologize for trying to seduce you and all. I mean, I wasn't really thinking straight at the time.

Mina: YOU DID WHAT?!?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!

As Mina chases Serena around the room, the cat that was in Serena's lap approaches Joey.

Cat: Greetings Joey. I am Luna.

Joey: Y'knowbefore yesterday, you talking would have seemed very awkward to me.

Mina: [still chasing Serena] JUST GIVE UP NOW AND I'LL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS!

Luna: Could you please stop her for now?

Joey: I'll do it the only sure way I know how.

Joey grabs Amy, who had just gotten back to her book, and gives her a big kiss on the lips. Mina immediately freezes in her tracks in a look of shock.

Serena: [poking Mina] She's definitely out of it.

Serena grabs Mina, leans her against the wall, and sits back down next to the table. Amy looks around a little dazed.

Luna: Thank you. Now you girls enjoy your pizza while Joey and I talk.

Everyone but the frozen Mina: Okay!

Raye grabs the pizzas, puts them on the table, and they all dig in.

Joey: (thinking: My God! They're _actually _eating the pizza!)

Luna: Now Joey, there is a reason why we called you here other than to thank you.

Joey: And what would that be?

Luna: My colleague Artemis, whom you have no doubt met, has told me about your ordeal with Mina.

Joey takes a look at Artemis, who is taking Mina's place at eating pizza.

Artemis: WHAT? NO ANCHOVIES?! WHAT KIND OF PIZZA _IS _THIS?

Joey: [looking back at Luna] What's your point?

Luna: I have also learned what you have gone through with these other girls.

Joey: You mean hell? It wasn't all that bad.

Luna: Your versatility and courage has led me to realize that _you _are the pizza delivery boy from the old Moon Kingdom!

Joey: The what?

Luna: It may sound strange at first, but Serena is a princess from a kingdom on the moon that existed over a thousand years ago.

Joey takes a look at Serena, who has two slices of pizza in her mouth.

Raye: Could you quit stuffing your face so that the rest of us could eat?! I mean, you're fat enough already!

Serena: (sniff) Why do you say things that you know are gonna hurt me?

Joey: [looking back at Luna] Riiiiight.

Luna: You may think I'm crazy—

Joey: No, I think _I'm _crazy because I'm listening to a _cat _who's telling me about a _moon princess_.

Luna: (sigh) Then I suppose it won't make you feel any better if I told you those other four are her sworn guardians?

Joey looks at the girls.

Raye: [chowing down on 4 slices] See Serena? When eating, you have to have self-control. Take me for example.

Amy: [drooling as she reads her romance novel] 

Lita: [looking through rolled up pizzas] I can see _everything _with my pizza goggles!

Mina: [still frozen with shock] 

Joey: [back to Luna] Not one bit.

Luna: Then I guess I will have to prove it to you. Girls, transform into the Sailor Scouts!

Everyone nods their heads and transforms except for Mina, who's _still _frozen. Then they just get back to their pizza.

Luna: Do you believe me now?

Joey: I do. But now that I think about it, I should have noticed it before. I mean, these aren't very good disguises

Luna: Oh shut up.

Joey: So what does this have to do with me?

Luna: Like I said, you are the pizza delivery boy from that kingdom. The delivery boy of _Destiny_!

Joey: I'm still not buying it.

Luna: All right. Just grab a pizza and reach as far back into your memory as you can

Joey goes to grab a slice, but there is only one left, which Serena takes.

Luna: DROP THAT PIZZA, SERENA!

Serena: (sniff) But I'm still hungry

Luna: WE'LL GET SOMETHING ON THE WAY HOME! NOW DROP IT!!!

Serena pouts a bit and puts the pizza down, which Joey picks up.

Luna: Do you remember now?

Joey: No.

Luna: How about now?

Joey: No.

Luna: Now?

Joey: Still no.

Luna: Well then you're just not trying!

Joey: Of course I'm not trying! This is all really stupid!

Luna: Lita, could you give him a little help?

Lita: Sure thing!

Lita gives Joey a hard punch in the head that sends him spinning into the far reaches of his memory.

-

Back at the Moon Kingdom, a thousand years ago

Joey: [knocking on the palace door] Pizza guy! Got your pizza!

Princess Serena: [opening the door] Shhh! You have to be quieter about this!

Queen Serenity: [from inside] Serena? Is that another pizza man? You know you should stop eating that junk!

Princess Serena: No mom! It's justjust another salesman!

Queen Serenity: [from inside] Oh okay! Give him a kick in the balls for me!

Princess Serena: I will!

Joey: You're not actually gonna kick me in the balls, are you?

Princess Serena: [taking the pizza] Thank you, kind sir! I am forever in your debt!

Joey: Yer damn right you are! You owe me $15.99!

Princess Serena: [handing him money] Here's a $20. Keep the change. Now flee, before the guards see you!

-

Back in the present

Joey: II remember

Luna: Then you know your destiny

Joey: Destiny? DESTINY?! MY DESTINY IS BEING A PIZZA GUY??!!

Luna: We all have our place in the world.

Joey: I knew my life sucked, but I didn't think it would be THIS BAD!

Mina: [still frozen] 

Joey: And will somebody PLEASE snap her out of it?!

Amy: We've been trying ever since you went into your flashback.

Lita: I say we keep her like that. We could use her as a mannequin.

Joey: Jeez! I guess _I'll _have to do it!

Joey walks up to Mina and whispers in her ear. Mina immediately snaps out of it, but falls to the floor dumbstruck and with a grin on her face.

Raye: Wow. How'd you do it?

Joey: No biggie. Just had to say those three little words all women wanna hear.

Serena: "I love you?"

Joey: Um"I love you"that's, uhexactly what I said

Luna: (ahem) Now, back to your destiny

Joey: How about NO.

Luna: Well I was really hoping you'd accept. I mean, I _did _reveal the identities of the Sailor Scouts to you

Joey: Oh don't worry about that. I couldn't care less about this whole Sailor Scout thing.

Luna: Well there is this whole "balance of the universe" thing that will be destroyed if you don't accept.

Joey: Well then the universe can BITE ME! I wanna enjoy my life!

Luna: If you want to put the enjoyment of your life into question, we could very easily swing this argument my way

Joey: Uh-ohgot that bad feeling coming

Luna: Did you enjoy any of what these girls have put you through this week?

Joey: Of course not!

Luna: Then I must to inform you that they are capable of _far _worse things.

Joey looks over to the girls, who all give him big smiles, except for Mina, who has clung to Joey's arm again. Joey immediately breaks down and cries.

Joey: YOU WIN! I'LL DO IT!

Luna: I knew you would see things my way.

Joey: What do I have to do?

Luna: Umkeep delivering us pizza, I suppose.

Joey: That's it?

Luna: Yes, for the time being.

Joey: I could have done that without this whole "destiny revealed to me" thing.

Luna: And you will also have to do it wearing this outfit.

Serena hands Joey an outfit that looks just like the rest of the Sailor Scouts'.

Joey: NOW _THAT'S _CROSSING THE LINE!

Luna: Fair enough. I guess your regular pizza delivery uniform will do.

Joey: Sois that it?

Luna: Yeah.

Joey: Then I'll just go now.

Luna: You do that.

Joey shakes Mina off and walks out of the room. Before he reaches the exit, he bumps into Raye's grandpa.

Joey: (thinking: I'm gonna get _something _out of this.) They said you'd handle the bill.

Grandpa: Really? That girl should learn that she has to pay for what she orders.

Joey: Uh-huh life sucks now fork up the cash.

Grandpa: How much is it?

Joey: $100plus tip.

Grandpa: Again?

Joey: Yeah. Strange world, ain't it?

Grandpa: [handing Joey the money] I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here

Joey: So am I.

Joey walks to his car and looks back. The girls are waving back to him and Mina is holding up a sign that says "CALL ME!". Joey puts his hand in his pocket and realizes it's filled with paper notes with nothing but Mina's phone number on it.

Joey: [shrugs his shoulders] Why not? I have a feeling she'll just keep trying anyway.

With that, Joey gets in his car and heads back to Donnie's.

-

Joey back at the pizza place

Joey: Thank God that was the last delivery of the day!

Frank: It's closing time, alright!

Joey: Well today hasn't been as insane as usual, but it sure was depressing.

Frank: Feeling down, eh?

Joey: It's just that I'm being blackmailed into delivering pizzas for, most likely, the rest of my life. Though I have a feeling this was all just an elaborate scheme for those girls to get easy access to pizza.

Frank: At least you know you'll always have work.

Joey: As a pizza delivery guy?!

Frank: To each his own.

Joey: (sigh) I need something to get it off my mind.

Frank: Well maybe a paycheck will help. [taking out a check]

Joey: I guess money _would _help alleviate the sorrow. But then again, it'll probably all go to my psychiatric bills. [looking at the amount] WHAT THE HELL?!

Frank: You earned every penny.

Joey: $20???!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT MONEY I RIPPED OFF??!!

Frank: You mean the tips? It was very strange. When I put it in your tip jar, itdisappeared. Yeeaaahhthat's the ticket!

Joey: Urgeto kill

-

Years later at the Castle of Neo-Queen Serenity in Crystal Tokyo

Joey: [knocking on castle door] Hello! Pizza guy!

Neo-Queen Serenity: [opening door] You have come at last

* * *

****

THE END!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for even taking a peek at this fanfic! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it!


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